Conch Talk
Let's Look at Ourselves & Lighten Up
"Cross Country Acceptance"

By Dr. Sandy Islands for Conch Color

My family’s travels across our vast and beautiful country to Los Angeles have taken us through Tallahassee- Batesville, Mississippi- Elks City, Oklahoma- Gallup, New Mexico, and Barstow, California. My husband, Shawn, continued to drive his truck pulling the six by twelve UHaul trailer without any further mechanical troubles and with our eleven year old golden retriever keeping him company. My son, Bryce, and I followed taking turns driving my Prius. To say that we were the “Griswold’s,” is an understatement. Without saying anything out loud, we all quietly knew that this was a trip to make our break our family. From the first tire blow out to the many interesting people and places we‘ve encountered along the way, we each had multiple opportunities to accept things that we couldn’t control. Arriving in Los Angeles, we navigated to three separate ports to drop off the boxes, a scooter, and the truck for shipping to Hawaii and we moved Bryce into his college dorm. As we approach the day of our flight to Hawaii, I can only say that we we’ve been divinely guided the entire way.

We realized that each day was too precious to waste resenting the things we couldn’t change. The more we accepted things as they were, the more serene we felt in the midst of chaos. Could we love ourselves enough to give up the struggle over things that were out of our hands was the ongoing question. Could we find a sense of humor in the midst of difficult situations? By accepting the things we couldn’t change, we put an end to futile struggles and freed our thoughts and energy to work on things that we could change. More options became available as we accepted what was happening. We were constantly aware of what we couldn’t control which was usually everything outside of our selves. Acceptance never means we have to condone the intolerable.

When conflict occurs, there’s usually confrontation. Someone has to be at fault. We assign blame, stew for hours, and weigh the evidence. Blame is an excuse to avoid feeling our own discomfort and powerlessness. We become chronic score keepers consumed with resentment, guilt and anger. We operate in states of defensiveness and anxiety making sure our back is always covered. We can’t see that disputes come up when everyone is doing their best. If we’re obsessively reviewing everyone’s behavior, we’ll never find serenity because our attention is focused away from where it belongs. Conflict doesn’t have to indicate that something is wrong. Difficulties arise and people disagree. Let’s accept that life will always have its share of conflict and that everything happens, as it should. Most of our heartache comes from refusing to accept reality as it is. Even coping with this new awareness can be awkward which makes us eager to spare ourselves any pain or discomfort that comes with it. When the pain of not changing becomes greater than the fear of change, we become willing to do whatever it takes.

Perfectionists cling stubbornly to their ideas of how things should be. They struggle daily with accepting and letting go. They demand too much of themselves and others. As we practice acceptance, we easily detach from anything that we can’t control. When surrendering our willfulness and accepting becomes unconscious, we end the residual battle, free ourselves from strain and conflict, and we relax into a freedom we’ve never known. It starts with yielding a little here and there and accepting what we may be impelled to challenge and resist. Let’s make a decision to let essentially unimportant happenings wash over us like water off a duck’s back. Our happiness depends upon adapting ourselves with a quiet mind to what is possible and attainable while letting go of the rest.

Please write to me at sandyislands@hawaii.rr.com and feel free to browse previous articles at www.sandyislands.com under publications.