By Dr. Sandy Islands for Conch Color
As you read this, my husband, son and I have pulled out of
our
Difficult feelings like disappointment, irritation, resentment, anger, sadness, jealousy, grief and fear can be clear wake-up moments that teach us where we are holding back. They’re messengers that show us where we are stuck. We know that the people and events that trigger these uncomfortable feelings are our greatest teachers for our unresolved issues. Could we actually see them as “good news messengers,” since without them we wouldn’t have a chance to look at ourselves. A hundred times a day we have the opportunity to open up or shut down. How often do we hear ourselves thinking, feeling and saying out loud, “I can’t handle this?” We use addictions to escape. We seek anything to ease the suffering, but if we resist stuffing our pain, we’ll take a spiritual journey beyond hope and fear into the unknown.
I write this very much to remind myself that “loneliness” does not have to be my enemy. Heartache is not something we choose to invite in, yet it comes in many forms: relationships ending, deaths, losing a job, a home, money, moving and natural disasters like Hurricane Wilma to name a few. When we allow ourselves to rest in the middle, we create a non-threatening relationship with loneliness and loss. We relax into it and turn old fearful patterns upside-down. With no reference point, we have to let go.
Pema Chödrön describes six kinds of “cool loneliness” in his book When Things Fall Apart. The first is having “less desire,” where we are willing to be lonely without resolution. The second is “contentment,” when we have nothing, there’s nothing to lose. The feeling of having a lot to lose is rooted in the fear of change and the fear of anything that can’t be resolved. Third is to “avoid unnecessary activity,” instead of looking for anything to save us or give us a way out of our feelings. We stop going wild to find activity and companions to save us from our despair. Fourth is “complete discipline,” where no matter what happens, we’re willing to come back to the present moment, we’re willing to just be alone. Fifth is “wandering the world of desire,” we let go of seeking comfort in our addictions- food, drink, shopping, gambling and people- anything that will make things okay. Sixth is “not seeking security from rambling thoughts.” The rug has been pulled out. The jig is up. We can’t find companionship from the constant conversation in our minds. There’s no security from our own inner chatter. We look honestly at our minds and drop our ideals of who we think we ought to be, who we want to be, or who we think others want us to be. We let go with compassion and humor at who we are.
Loneliness is not a threat and heartache is not a punishment. Cool loneliness challenges us to step into the world with no reference point, truly the sacred path of the spiritual warrior. Let’s see waking up in the morning with the heartache of alienation or pain of loneliness as golden opportunities. Let’s relax and touch the limitless space of our human hearts. Here we go!
Please write to Dr. Sandy Islands at sandyislands@hawaii.rr.com and feel free to browse previous articles at www.sandyislands.com under publications.