By Dr. Sandy Islands for Conch Color
Aristotle said, “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then, is not an act, but a habit.” Change is a process that starts with an awareness of where we’re stuck and how we can let go of our limitations fueled by fear and our judgments. Awareness is the first step to change and then comes practicing new thoughts, feelings and actions to replace the old ones that caused our suffering. The 12-Step programs call this “doing the footwork.” Just because we’re aware of how we want to change doesn’t mean it magically happens without effort. A few years ago, I was introduced to a simple process developed by Bryon Katie called The Work. The process starts by filling out a Judge-your-neighbor-worksheet where in a very unspiritual way you express your judgments and list your criticisms. Examples might be: “I’m mad at my husband because…” or “My boss doesn’t understand me,” or “My wife shouldn’t yell at me,” etc. The worksheet asks you to list your judgments and express what you never want to experience with this person again.
The second step includes asking 4 simple questions with a turnaround for each thought. “Is it true? Can you absolutely know that it’s true? How do you react when you think this thought? Who would you be without this thought? Inevitably the answer to the last question is always some form of “I’d be free.” The turnaround gives us the opportunity to experience the opposite of the original thought which allows us to see what we have in common with the person we are judging. Examples of turnarounds for the above statements are: “I’m not mad at my husband because…, He’s mad at me because…., I’m mad at me because…” I’ve now unplugged from my husband and am looking at myself.
“My boss does understand me, I don’t understand my boss, I don’t understand me.” “My wife should yell at me, I shouldn’t yell at my wife, I shouldn’t yell at me.” In truth it’s never the person we’re judging that’s really bothering us. It’s the replay of our judgments in our own minds that causes the suffering. When we begin to live these turnarounds, we have compassion for those people we’ve judged and realize in truth, we are everything that we’re calling them. Until we see our enemies as our friends, the work is not complete. The biggest turnaround is when we take what we never want to experience with this person again and change the thought to, “I’m willing to experience…., and I look forward to experiencing….” What we’re really saying here is that we are open to fully embracing all of our mind and our lives without fear and that we are open to all that reality brings. Each time we say that we’re willing to…or look forward to experiencing something that we’ve been closed minded about or are afraid of, we invite an opportunity to work on our reactions. Eventually, we no longer judge or take the experience personally.
This is doing the footwork to live our changed perceptions so that what we’ve hated becomes something we look forward to, laugh about, or rolls by like water off a duck’s back. I invite you to take one judgment, try the process and enjoy your transformation. For more information, go to www.thework.com. Please write to me at sandyislands@hawaii.rr.com and feel free to browse previous “just looking at ourselves” articles at www.sandyislands.com under publications.