By Dr. Sandy Islands for Conch Color
I’m writing this on the day our country celebrates her freedom and yet, many of us live in our own self-created prisons of fear, shame and guilt. Fear says, “What I’ll do in the future will be wrong.” Guilt says, “What I did in the past was wrong.” Shame, the biggest lie of all says, “Who I am is wrong.” Fear of failure is at the heart of perfectionism. We feel responsible for everyone because we feel we’re not good enough. We cope with our failure to achieve perfection by focusing on the imperfections of others. We have “iron rules” that apply to our selves and others. Any rigidity is a wall to hide fear and keeps us on guard and uncomfortable. When we make mistakes, don’t know what we “should” know or hurt someone, we prove our failure and we run these tapes over and over in our minds. We become prisoners trapped by our need to control everything and everyone around us. We manipulate people and things to feel more acceptable. Freedom from the despair and frustration that results from this way of thinking comes only when we change our attitudes within, the attitudes that are the real cause of our grief. We achieve freedom through acceptance, by first recognizing what we can and can’t control, then by letting go of our need to control anything outside of ourselves. Faith is our sword and we let go of the battle, admit our powerlessness and surrender our need to control. We accept our self-doubts and turn away from “musts” and “shoulds” to become more open minded. As our attitudes change from hostility to forgiveness, from violence to quiet acceptance, a change in our words and actions will follow and we’ll find peace.
Guilt is a burden that keeps us from giving ourselves fully and freely to the present. With a desire to clear the past, we’re honest about the pain we’ve caused others and the heavy load we’ve been carrying. We admit our mistakes, make amends and the weight of the memories and pain begins to lift. To free ourselves, we must let go of the past, forgive ourselves and others. To let go of shame, we have to accept that we are children of God and we are loved. No matter what messages we may have internalized by the hurt people who raised us, we know that they did the best they could with the shame they were carrying. We realize it’s safe to be ourselves and when we feel ashamed, we train ourselves to see what’s happening in a new light and know that the truth will always set us free. We have the power to conquer the personal shortcomings that chain us to our problems. We have the power to open our minds to the miracle of new perceptions. We let go of shortsightedness and our refusal to accept responsibility for who we are.
We might be enmeshed in a difficult family situation and doubt we can ever be set free. We can’t see a way out of how closely we’ve entwined our lives with others and our personal freedom seems impossible. Slowly, one step at a time, we free ourselves from unnecessary involvement. We constantly ask ourselves, “Is this my business, your business or God’s business?” We reinforce our personal freedom when we give others the freedom to control their actions and destinies. If we are leeching off of others, expecting something for nothing and feeling entitled, we gain freedom through accepting responsibility and becoming self-supporting. We trust that we don’t have to depend on others for our sustenance. The more responsible we become, the more freedom we gain. In prayer, we reach out to a Power greater than ourselves and ask to be set free from our pride and arrogance. We gain spiritual freedom through a personal understanding of God and allow others that same freedom. By freeing ourselves from within, we’re better able to think loving thoughts and give love to others. As we unlock the internal chains that bind us, we practice new ways to make our lives more spiritual, sane, satisfying and serene.
Please write to Dr. Sandy Islands at sandyislands@hawaii.rr.com and feel free to browse previous articles at www.sandyislands.com under publications.