We learn our hardest lessons from our greatest teachers because these people push those buttons that bring up the most pain. Our knee jerk reaction is to blame them, judge them and remove them from our lives. Little do we know that the lesson we needed to learn just gets buried deeper until the next teacher comes along and we’re ready to get honest with ourselves. I had just this experience recently with a visit from a member of my husband’s family. I noticed that as the week progressed, our conversations evolved with her asking many questions about our personal life, upcoming decisions and finances that I tried to answer as honestly as I could. I heard a judgmental tone attached but I tried to ignore it. At a dinner toward the end of her stay, I decided to ask her a point blank question about her finances which she danced around and refused to answer. I was livid. “How dare she expect me to tell her intimate details when she refuses!…etc”

After she left, my husband and I were having a minor disagreement when he blurted out, “She thinks you talk down to me.” My rage quickly turned to devastation and the decision that I’d never speak to her again, I’d stop buying her the birthday cards that I had for years and stop being my husband’s spokesperson when he didn’t feel like talking. I obsessed on it and allowed it to bother me for at least 24 hours. Knowing better, I stopped and asked the Powers that Be, “What is really going on here?” Had she called me a fireman, it wouldn’t have fazed me in the least. When we receive feedback about ourselves that is true, especially something that we’re not willing to look at, it hurts deeply. That’s why if we stay stuck in our self-righteous indignation, disappointment and blame, we’ll never have a chance to look at ourselves and grow.

Ask and ye shall receive. Shortly after I let go of my blame and judgment of her judging me, I heard myself speaking to my husband in a frustrated and intolerant tone. I was humbled by the truth of what she’d said even if the way I received the feedback was painful. Our constant criticism and expectation of others isolates us into victim-hood. Humility allowed me to crawl down the ladder of judgment and find my place in the worldwide circle of love and support that’s always there. Each judgment blocks our ability to see a potential friend and fellow traveler on this journey called life. Our thoughts are prayers. They either teach us love and appreciation or isolation. The truth is that what we judge in others is what we are judging in ourselves. What we dislike in others is what we dislike in ourselves. Our capacity to forgive ourselves is equal to our capacity to forgive others.

A Sioux Indian Prayer says, “Great Spirit, help me never to judge another until I have walked a mile in his moccasins.” As we develop tolerance, people who plague us become more tolerable. They become more likeable because we develop the ability to love. Our behavior to others is a mirror of our behavior to ourselves. If we’re a perfectionist, we’ll demand and expect perfection from others.

A man wanted to change but didn’t know how. He prayed, “God, how can I change myself?” God said, “You are yourself. You can no more change than you can walk away from your own feet.” The man asked. “But is there nothing I can do?” God said, “You can understand and accept this truth,” He replied, “But, how will I change if I accept myself?” God said,” How will you change if you don’t?” 

Please write to Dr. Sandy Islands at sandyislands@hawaii.rr.com and feel free to browse previous articles at www.sandyislands.com.