By Dr. Sandy Islands for Conch Color
Communication is the key to success. It’s been said that 75-99% of people fail in their occupations, not because of talent or training, but because of poor communication skills. It’s interesting to observe different levels of communication. The lowest level is people talking about people especially dipping into gossip. The mid level is people talking about events and the highest level is people talking about ideas and sharing heartfelt honesty, understanding and humility after looking at themselves and their part in a conflict.
This week I observed gossip at its worst. A woman was told something that her “friends” overheard a man say about her. I happened to be there when the man made the comment. What the woman relayed was so distorted, exaggerated and misconstrued that it didn’t even come close to the original comment. The woman was outraged and upset and the man was unavailable for 4 days. I encouraged the woman to let go of the story she’d heard until she could speak to the man. The story was so stuck in her head that running that tape loop over and over was obviously keeping her upset. She said, “I can’t stop thinking of this,” when in truth she won’t stop thinking of it. “Can’t” implies the inability to stop where “won’t” implies choosing not to. When we get stuck in our own self-destructive thinking, it’s like telling ourselves to stop thinking of pink elephants, but more pink elephants show up. A prayer or mantra can help to distract us from thinking that is truly only hurting us.
I asked the woman to look at what buttons had been pushed in her by what she’d heard? Then I asked her if she would have been offended if someone called her a “fireman.” She laughed which validates that no one can push a button in us that we don’t have. Every encounter is an invitation to look at ourselves. I wondered what the friends thought they’d gained by whatever they’d told the woman. Gossip is used to put someone down in order to raise ourselves up. The momentary high felt by the gossiper delivering the news is outweighed by the hurt that’s caused. When we traffic in gossip, we invite others to gossip about us.
Let’s remember that there are always two sides to every story. It’s best to go to the source when we hear something that’s been said. When we feel the need to express constructive criticism, it’s good to stop and ask ourselves, “Does this need to be said? Said by me? Said now?” When we hear information about others we can ask ourselves, “Is this my business, your business or God’s business?” We’ll find that very little information said by others is really our business.
This week I also observed two teenage girls resolve a conflict by looking at themselves. One had been teasing the other at school. She realized she’d been treating the other girl in ways that were hurtful and based on gossip. She apologized and asked for forgiveness. The other girl forgave her right away. Whenever we judge anyone, we’re criticizing a quality in them that we most likely have ourselves, but we’re not willing to look at it. When we stop and ask ourselves, “How am I that way?” We unplug from our judgments and the universe will usually grace us with the answer when we’re ready to receive it. As we become more aware and responsible for our communication, let’s decide to only express information about others that enhances theirs and our highest good.
Please write to Dr. Sandy Islands at sandyislands@hawaii.rr.com and feel free to browse previous articles at www.sandyislands.com/publications.html