This week I’ve had many opportunities where my buttons have been pushed and my knee-jerk reaction was to become defensive. I’ve never felt good about myself when I react with righteous indignation and I’m grateful that after this happens, I now notice how I could have responded differently. It’s always better to take a breath and respond with kindness when we don’t know how to respond. Disagreements are healthy and enlightening if we view them as ways to develop and deepen our relationships. We can honor our decisions without becoming defensive. Even if our decisions disappoint others, we can still behave in ways that leave us feeling good about ourselves. If we view every conflict as an opportunity to heal our deepest wounds, we honor ourselves when we respond with courtesy. Talmud said, “The highest form of wisdom is kindness.”

What are we really defending? Defensiveness builds solid and rigid walls to keep people out. Boundaries are flexible, changeable and removable. We can say, “No” with love instead of hostility. We think our defenses keep us safe, but they really isolate us. Let’s be on the constant look-out for healthier ways to protect ourselves, ways that don’t close people out.  Joseph Fort Newton said, “People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.” Defensiveness traps us into feeling hopeless. We don’t have to accept the unacceptable or argue and convince others that we’re right. When we recognize that we’re dealing with someone who has to be right and won’t back down, we can detach, say, “You might be right,” and walk away without doubting our truth. When we’re attacked, we always have choices.

In defensiveness, we’re actually attacking ourselves. We feel we must protect ourselves from whatever is happening. Our buttons have been pushed. When we don’t acknowledge that our weaknesses have been touched, we feel threatened which calls for defense. Our country’s foreign policy is based on this premise and we’ve isolated ourselves from world peace and resolution. We’ve spent billions to defend our national security. Defensiveness always stems from fear and our fear increases as we defend our weaknesses. Defenses are plans we make against the truth.

When we refuse to be open-minded, we block ourselves to change. The past becomes the basis for our future goals. In truth, the here-and-now has everything we need to guarantee a future unlike the past. A healed mind doesn’t plan. It carries out the plans it receives from the wisdom of God. Our minds work best when we ‘hear’ the next right move and proceed from that wisdom. Can we open ourselves to the possibility that everything that happens, past, present and future is being gently planned by ONE whose purpose is our highest good? Let’s be secure in the certainty that obstacles cannot impede our progress to accomplish any goal that serves the greater plan established for the good of all?

Our defenses block God’s love and blessing that shines through every step we take, even the wake-up calls. Defenses conceal our trust in the present to direct our future, that every moment is a meaningful encounter with the truth. Without defenses our path is enlightened toward ways appointed for our happiness. Our light illuminates the path of those around us until the world lights up with joy. We smile as our brothers and sisters lay down their defenses which gave them nothing. When we render ourselves defenseless, truth dawns upon our minds with certainty. Undefended, we present ourselves humbly to life as we really are.

Please write to Dr. Sandy Islands at sandyislands@hawaii.rr.com and feel free to browse previous articles at www.sandyislands.com/publications.html