By Dr. Sandy Islands for Conch Color
We often look outside of ourselves for approval. Our good feelings depend upon having our successes acknowledged and we judge our accomplishments by what others say about them. The meal we’ve fixed isn’t good enough unless someone compliments us. We regret favors we’ve given if we aren’t thanked or they go unnoticed. We all need pats on the back but if our self-esteem depends on it for us to feel satisfied, we’ve given our power away. It’s not personal. People forget to notice or may feel uncomfortable praising because they’re not often praised. When we learn to evaluate our own actions and behavior and value our own judgment, we won’t slip into self-pity and resentment when others don’t. We can feel good about ourselves regardless of our achievements and whether or not others validate our worthiness. It’s futile to judge our insides by other people’s outsides. The approval of others will then be enjoyable but not essential to our serenity in life. Our self-worth comes from our ability to love others in spite of how they treat us.
When we work all the time to make ourselves worthy and become the center of attention, the satisfaction is usually fleeting. Soap Operas are popular because we love the drama of others’ crises. We traffic in gossip and obsess on other people’s lives because we have low opinions of ourselves. When we lose ourselves in other people’s stories, it’s difficult to look at ourselves and our own problems. The first step to building self-esteem is to disengage from others and take an honest look at ourselves. When we hear ourselves gossiping or getting lost in other people’s stories, let’s stop and ask, “What’s going on with me right now?”
We need to recognize the illusion of not being “good enough,” and the feeling that we need something outside of ourselves to make us whole. The illusion is made up of those unspoken self-defeating assumptions that culminate in thoughts and actions which say that our best isn’t good enough, that we’re not worthy of love or that we’ve been hurt too deeply to heal. Spiritual emptiness can only be filled from within. We need to unchain ourselves from the past and self-defeating guilt thereby deflating the importance of our errors. When we face the past, admit our mistakes and allow old wounds to heal through forgiveness we move forward into richer, fuller and more joyous lives today. We come to believe that we are all worthy of love, respect and happiness. We learn to love ourselves by accepting love from others. Even if we feel we don’t deserve it, we can be grateful when others offer us kindness.
What we go through is never as important as how we interpret our experiences. Our self-esteem grows when we love and accept ourselves just as we are. We take leaps of faith, have the courage to move out of our comfort zones and think outside of the box. Performing esteem-able deeds no matter how they fit into our comfort-ability will always help us to grow. We begin to value our own company and become gentler traveling companions with ourselves. As we feel at home in our new values, likes, dislikes, dreams and choices we are then able to risk other people’s disapproval, even the ones we wanted the most. In like-form our self-esteem grows as we honor other people’s choices to be themselves whether we like what we see or not. We find our place in the world where we can live with dignity and self-respect. Without expecting anything in return, every good and loving gesture soothes our souls and contributes to a healthier world. We feel good about our actions and we always receive more from them than we are giving. When our actions come from a loving heart, we honor ourselves, God and the One Human Family.
Please write to Dr. Sandy Islands at sandyislands@hawaii.rr.com and feel free to browse previous articles at www.sandyislands.com