By Dr. Sandy Islands for Conch Color
Relationships are the most difficult dance we do in life. Love relationships with partners, wives, husbands, boy, and girlfriends are the ones that push our deepest buttons. I came across a reading from "A Year of Daily Wisdom" by Marianne Williamson that said, "Looking for Mr./Ms. Right leads to desperation, because there is no Mr./Ms. Right, because there's no Mr./Ms. Wrong. There is whoever is in front of us, and the perfect lessons to be learned from that person." As a therapist in private practice, I recall a woman who was breaking up with Mr. Wrong. She said he was horrible, etc. Shortly after, she met Mr. Right. Six months later, Mr. Right had turned into Mr. Wrong exactly like the man she'd broken up with. At that point she was ready to look at herself. In any new relationship there's always a "best-foot-forward-pink-cloud-romance" period where the partner can do no wrong. Everything is cute, sweet, and wonderful. At some point, the veil drops and we become irritated with those exact things that we appeared to fully accept in the beginning. This is when the true relationship work begins.
Who we are in our love relationships is different than who we are in any other work or friendship because we bring our family-of-origin baggage with us. If love and pain were wired together when we grew up, we'll pick relationships that mirror these patterns because as dysfunctional as they may be, they're familiar. If we choose to wake up and look at ourselves, we may be brave enough to break out of the old pattern and enter the unknown for something better. In the beginning new patterns feel uncomfortable and unfamiliar even if they are healthier.
I recall a time when my mother proudly announced to me and my husband that if she and my father looked at themselves and worked on their relationship as much as my husband and I did, they'd have been divorced years before. My parents were the classic example of a couple who didn't appear happy, but who stayed together without looking at themselves. Their communication patterns that made my skin crawl just became more entrenched as they aged. My theory is that if each person in a couple practices looking at themselves and their part in any conflict, issues get resolved, the relationship will move forward and they will stay together. Like my parents, when both parties don't look at themselves, nothing gets resolved, but they'll stay together out of habit. It's with those couples where one person looks at themselves and the other doesn't that the relationship is doomed. The partner who doesn't look at themselves will always blame the one that does.
Honesty is an important key. We must be honest with ourselves first and then with our partners. Most couples promise each other fidelity but often act out unfaithfully before speaking with their partners. A man left his girlfriend and married someone else. A couple of months later he returned and had an affair with his girlfriend. He left the marriage and married the girlfriend. She reported that he treated her better as the mistress than as the wife, and he went on to have more affairs. People seek relationships outside of their partnerships because they feel their needs aren't being met. An affair is dishonest and hides behind the veil of early romance. When our partner disturbs us, it's an opportunity to learn more about who we are. The lessons we accept become pathways to claim our right to live in perfect joy and harmony with ourselves, our loved ones, and the universe. At any moment we can step out of our self-created prisons of fear and pain and stand tall in the light. We then open ourselves to the highest possibilities and release anything unlike heaven. We all deserve love so let's claim it now.
Feel free to enjoy previous articles at www.sandyislands.com under publications. Please write to me at sandyislands@hawaii.rr.com and let me know how just looking at yourself is changing your life.