By Dr. Sandy Islands for Conch Color
I write this following a disagreement with my husband. We were actually agreeing, but still let our “Egos” take over and we slipped into our lower minds as we pushed each other’s buttons and let our feelings be hurt. “Don’t take anything personally,” is the second of The Four Agreements in Don Miguel Ruiz’s book. Whenever we take things personally it’s because someone has pushed a button of truth in us. We react to whatever they’ve said or done because somewhere inside of us we agree. This may be unconscious but no matter how old we are and how much therapy we’ve had, the people closest to us are usually our biggest button pushers. We’ve chosen them as partners because they mirror the love we received from our families of origin. They have the power to touch those deep wounds that we don’t even know are still there.
Taking things personally is the maximum expression of selfishness because at that moment we make the assumption that everything is about “us.” In truth, nothing others say and do is because of us. Assuming is making an “ASS out of YOU and ME” (Ass-U-Me). It goes like this: You say something and I’m offended. “You’ve hurt my feelings.” I defend and explain, make a mountain out of a mole hill because I need to be right. Then, I try to impose my world on you. If I go around and tell everyone I know about the hurt, I continue to hurt myself by replaying the story over and over. No one ever makes us mad. We get mad because our wounds have been touched and we feel afraid. Under all anger lies hurt and fear. Fear fuels jealousy, hatred and suffering.
Even when it seems so personal – a direct insult- it has nothing to do with us. What we say and do, all of our opinions and judgments are a reflection of how we feel about ourselves. Resentment is sipping poison and waiting for the person we resent to die. When we take things personally, we are literally eating other people’s emotional garbage and making ourselves sick because now it’s become our garbage. The gift of not taking anything personally is that we become immune to the chaos and crisis all around us. No one can steal our energy unless we give it to them. Let’s practice this mantra all day long when our button’s get pushed, “It’s not personal.”
In The Dragon Doesn’t Live Here Anymore, Alan Cohen says that “Integrity is the high rock above which the stormy ocean of worldly troubles cannot rise.” When our hearts and visions remain fixed on the light of God, we pass unscathed through the mire of delusion and adversity. Each day we are given a thousand opportunities to choose between peace and turmoil, clarity and confusion, love and animosity. It’s a gift to remain quiet, firm and loving in the midst of our daily activities. When we maintain our center and our integrity in the midst of chaos, we are living the ultimate gift. We lose our awareness of our inner light when we accept negative thoughts from the outside world. We free ourselves from each other’s negativity by refusing to accept it when it comes at us. When we meet other’s negativity with love, the negativity will usually fizzle away or the person will drift from our lives. As difficult as it may be, the next time we’re faced with someone complaining, let’s be joyous. Let’s not take them seriously or personally and trust that when we lighten up, they will too!
Please write to Dr. Sandy Islands at sandyislands@hawaii.rr.com and feel free to browse previous articles at www.sandyislands.com