By Dr. Sandy Islands for Conch Color
I would like to thank all the people that have expressed their appreciation for this column and I’m grateful that Tom Oosterhoudt gives me the opportunity to write about topics that stretch beyond what most newspapers would ever print. In one encounter this week, a man told me that he looked forward to reading the column and that he was getting a lot out of it. I could see in his eyes - a look. I perceived he might be thinking that just because I write about these lofty spiritual truths, I’m able to practice them perfectly. I wish I could. Each week, I’m reminded of the principles that I want to practice perfectly, but I usually fall short. That’s why as we grow in consciousness, it’s really about making progress on the journey and being gentler traveling companions with ourselves. Progress may be two steps forward and one step back, or one step forward, two steps back. Either way, as long as we’re moving forward, we’re growing. Every interaction we have is an opportunity to look at our part in what’s happening.
When I worked with couples in my private practice, I noticed that most conflicts have a three step process and resolution only comes when we reach step three. The first is to blame, “But you - no, but you…” Second is explaining and defending. “The reason why I’m right and you’re wrong is…” This verbal volleyball can go on and on until one or the other shuts down, gives up, or storms out, etc. True resolution comes when we go to our respective corners of the ring and look at ourselves. We then express what our part was in the conflict in a calm, kind way. “I meant what I said, but I’m sorry I said it in a mean way.” In my childhood home, we never saw our parents practice step three. My sisters and I knew how to do conflict, but not how to resolve it. Even to this day when I feel that I’m “right,” it’s difficult to let go and practice “Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy? Do I want to be right or do I want to be peaceful?
As we practice looking at ourselves the process unfolds like this: we become aware of our part usually after the fact. We’ve repeated the old self-destructive pattern, but we’re aware. Hindsight is twenty-twenty vision. Once we realize our part, it’s never too late to admit it. Then, we find ourselves in the midst of the conflict and we’re able to step out of the ring immediately and go to our corner. It doesn’t matter if we appear to be defeated. Finally, we see conflict coming and we avoid it before it starts. Like the “Autobiography in Five Chapters” from a few columns ago, we take another street. All the while we’re making progress. Awareness is always the first step to change, then we have to practice new behaviors to let go of old patterns. We can’t think our way into a new way of living. We have to live our way into a new way of thinking. So, let’s be kind to ourselves and not expect perfection. Learning any new skill takes practice and vigilance. As we let go of this expectation, we’ll stop expecting others to be perfect as well and we’ll bring more peace and happiness to ourselves and the planet.
When a reporter asked Thomas Edison how he felt about having failed so many times to develop the light bulb, Mr. Edison replied, “Son, I never failed once. I simply developed the light bulb in a two thousand step process.” Please write to Dr. Sandy Islands at sandyislands@hawaii.rr.com and tell me about your progress in just looking at yourself!