By Dr. Sandy Islands for Conch Color
The holiday season is here. Decorations are going up and we can all feel the sizzle in the air. Each year we look forward to holiday festivities forgetting that it’s also a time where many of us eat too much, drink too much, spend too much and visit family that pushes all of our buttons. Why not use this season to practice looking at ourselves and lightening up? Like last week’s article suggested, let’s look forward to that irritation we feel with that certain family member who drives us crazy so we can do the work to replace our frustration with peace of mind and tranquility.
A friend and I were sharing a frustration that we’ve both experienced with our husbands. It involves times when we’re preparing to leave the house with our spouses. Both of our spouses tend to become impatient when they’re ready to leave and we’re not, especially in the morning. There are all those things to do…feed the cat, turn out the lights, gather belongings, etc. My friend’s spouse waits in the car impatiently while she completes the tasks necessary in order to leave. My husband is usually ready at least a half hour before we have to go and makes comments about all the disastrous things that will happen as a result of us being late. My friend and I agreed that we’re actually behaving just like them because we’re frustrated and intolerant of their impatience.
When we looked at ourselves to see what was going on inside we agreed that we take their impatience personally as a reflection of our competence. We agreed that our goal is to experience our spouses’ impatience like water off a duck’s back. Until we can accept it, realize that it has nothing to do with us, and find humor in it, then our work isn’t done. We secretly expected our spouses to read our minds and help us do what needed to be done without asking them for help. Then, we resented their impatient reminders that we weren’t ready on their time schedule. Since all resentment is born from unfulfilled expectations and judgments, we realized that just as they expected us to speed up, we expected them to slow down, help and go with the flow.
There’s energy to impatience that’s palatable, almost like standing in a pool of water with an electric wire in it. The work is to inwardly laugh at our spouses’ impatience while we stay centered in what we’re doing at our own pace. Instead of an internal dialogue that says, “I can’t stand his impatience. He needs to chill.” We can think, “Isn’t that a new take on impatience. Too bad he has to feel that way while I’m flowing along in my own state of bliss.” Then if we want help we have to ask for it. We might think a leap in perception like this is impossible. Friends, anything is possible with practice - first observing our thoughts and then asking ourselves if they serve our highest good. Resentment and judgment never do.
Let’s think of that family member that we’ll be seeing this holiday season and feel thankful for the opportunity to give them acceptance. Let’s feel grateful for the progress we’ve made this past year shifting our perspective from expecting, judging and blaming to accepting, observing and detaching with love. There’s no failure in this process, only continued practice so that when we achieve a level of patience with that impatient spouse, we’ll feel really good about lightening up ours and even their day. Feel free to browse previous articles at www.sandyislands.com under publications and write to me at sandyislands@hawaii.rr.com