My husband, son, our dog, and I are traveling across America ’s highways toward Los Angeles. We’d hoped to get out early on the day we’d planned to leave but didn’t until mid afternoon. My husband is driving a truck pulling a U-Haul trailer. A tire blew out on Card Sound Road so we resigned ourselves to stay in Florida City that first night since it took two and a half hours for the repair truck to arrive. In the midst of our unfulfilled expectations, we realized that this event happened for us to accept how tired we all were from days of packing and how we would have pushed ourselves to make up lost time. We were grateful that the tire didn’t blow on the interstate in traffic and that we were able to have the other tires checked before we hit the higher speeds.

We could have assumed that it was all a bad omen for the trip ahead and taken out our frustration and disappointment on each other which would have caused greater chaos and crisis. Don Miguel Ruiz’s book, “The Four Agreements,” encourages us to not make assumptions although we all do. No only do we make them, but we believe them and swear that they’re real. I could have assumed that my husband got the “wrong trailer” blamed him and he could have taken that personally causing us to both react negatively. We would have created a drama over something none of us could have controlled. We’ll often gossip about our assumptions and defend them to make others wrong which causes more negativity. The simple antidote for making assumptions is to ask questions for clarification. Our minds see what we want to see and hear what we want to hear. Many times our perceptions are off and we’re literally making things up or imagining them.

Think of a time when you looked at someone’s facial expression and assumed they were mad at you. Nine times out of ten, they’re in their own world which has nothing to do with us. Road rage is an example of making assumptions. We’re unaware that we’ve inadvertently cut someone off. They take it personally and retaliate with their car against us. We make the most assumptions with our partners, spouses, and children. We assume that they know what we’re thinking and we don’t have to ask for what we want. We assume they’re going to do what we want them to because they know us so well. When they don’t do what “they should,” we feel hurt, take it personally, and react, saying, “They should have known.” We get married assuming that our partner will see the union in the same way we do. We assume our love will change them. We assign qualities to people and fall in love with those qualities assuming that it’s them. We’re upset when they don’t live up to the qualities we’ve assigned but we’ve never seen them as they really are. True love comes when we accept them as they are without trying to change them.  

We use our assumptions to create a false sense of security. We won’t speak up because we’re afraid we’ll be judged, victimized, blamed, or abused by others when this is exactly what we’re doing to ourselves. Each time we think, “I just won’t say anything,” or “I just won’t ask,” let’s push through our fears and just do it. Having the courage to open up and ask that hard question eliminates assumptions. Expressing those difficult thoughts allows us to be ourselves. As we stop making assumptions our communication will change.  We’ll become more aware of this habit and take actions that strengthen and nurture the seeds for healthier habits to grow. We can make plans without assuming that they’ll turn out the way we want. Going with the flow allows us to accept what happens as it comes.

Please write to me at sandyislands@hawaii.rr.com and feel free to browse previous articles at www.sandyislands.com under publications