By Dr. Sandy Islands for Conch Color
I mentioned to my teenage son that this week’s A-Z for “just looking at ourselves,” started with the letter, “F.” Staying true to what’s on most teenage boys’ minds, he did not guess “forgiveness.” What upsets us in others is usually a reflection of a quality within ourselves that we’re not willing to look at. The most important key to healing our relationships is forgiveness. The power of forgiveness is far greater than any tool or weapon known to man. One definition is “giving up the false for true.” When we forgive, we free not only the people we’re upset with, but more importantly, we free ourselves.
Resentment is the feeling of re-living our hurt from the past. It’s like sipping poison and waiting for the other person to die. Letting go of resentment frees us to see others in a new light which paves the way to love and acceptance. Forgiveness doesn’t mean we condone negative or inappropriate behavior. It’s a decision we make to let go and look beyond someone’s actions to their spirit within. Miracles are truly a change in perception. When we change our attitude, we are transformed from being victims of life to being powerful co-creators of our reality.
Outer harmony in our relationships is a manifestation of inner harmony and acceptance within ourselves. We’ve all heard the commandment ─”Love your neighbor as yourself.” All of our relationships are mirrors of how we love ourselves. We attract relationships to us for our own growth. If we hold an unconscious judgment or prejudice, any feelings of dislike, we can be guaranteed that a person who does the exact thing we “can’t stand,” will be drawn to us so that we can learn to let go, forgive and have compassion. The quickest way to free ourselves from someone who does something that irritates us is to know that we’ve attracted them into our lives for the opportunity to love and accept them with that irritating trait. They are teachers to help us practice understanding and forgiveness.
Our motivations to enter into marriage or partnership come from two basic attitudes: “I’m going to get something from this person,” or “I’m going to share with this person.” The first attitude leads to pain; the second to joy. Did you create your partnership with a ceremony where each of you held your own candle, then lit a single one and blew yours out? Symbolic of─ the two became one? Or, did you keep your individual candles lit while lighting a third one that represented how two individuals can remain true to themselves and open to the fulfillment that a life partnership can offer?
Forgiveness starts first with ourselves. It is a gift from God that always heals. Many of the strongest relationships have been transformed through forgiveness. Sometimes we must be willing to give love before we receive it. We must see the possibility for goodness in another before they recognize it in themselves. I invite you to picture someone you’ve had a hard time forgiving. Close your eyes and see yourself embracing them, looking into their eyes and saying, “I love and forgive you.” Imagine them as your friend. If you practice this a few minutes a day, one of two things will happen: your relationship with transform or they will leave your life.
Alan Cohen paraphrased a poem: “They drew a circle to keep me out, But God and I were bound to win. We drew a circle to keep them in.”
Please write to Dr. Sandy Islands at sandyislands@hawaii.rr.com