By Dr. Sandy Islands for Conch Color
“Judge and you shall be judged.” This wake up call came for me a few years ago. A close family member who I love and trust used to say, “You know, Sandy, you’re very spiritual except for your judgments.” A part of me knew that this observation was true but my denial (Don’t – Even – Notice – I – Am – Lying) didn’t want to see it. In fact, at times, I’d relish in my judgments, make jokes and almost get high off of my righteous indignation.
I was visiting a dear friend who is also a therapist. She was having marital problems at the time and I was silently judging how her husband was treating her and how she was responding or not. Many of my buttons were being pushed. The morning I was to leave, I called my husband and shared what I was feeling and talked about them in a very judgmental way. My room was a second floor loft and the sound traveled directly to my friend’s bedroom below. Little did I know that she’d overheard everything. When I entered the kitchen, she looked up from cooking breakfast with an expression of immense pain and sadness so I asked, “What’s wrong,” assuming her look had something to do with her husband? All I could say when she told me how hurt she’d felt after listening to my conversation was, “My behavior is indefensible and I am so sorry.” We both cried. I cried for all the people I had judged and all the judgments I’d received that had hurt me. This experience woke me up and I’m acutely aware when I’m judging today. I can no longer entertain myself with this self-destructive pattern because know I have a choice to continue the story or let go and snap out of it.
An amazing person, she forgave me and shared this prayer that had helped her.
“Thank you, God that You would bless me and enlarge my territory. That You are always with me and keep me from judging, so that I may hold my tongue before I cause hurt and pain.”
When I point my index finger forward in judgment and look down at my hand, I’ll see that my other three fingers curl into my palm. This symbolically means that when I have one finger pointed out at you, I have three pointed back at me. The truth is whatever I’m judging is always something I’m not willing to look at in myself. When we expect the world to conform to how we want it to be, we’re judging. We’re disappointed not by the world’s actions but by our own unfulfilled expectations. When we catch ourselves judging, we can stop and ask, “How am I that way?” The universe will provide the answer right when we need it. The story may be different but we’ll become aware of acting, or speaking in the exact same way as the person we were judging.
Try it! Pick someone easy, like a family member that drives you crazy. Decide to observe your judgments rather than getting lost in the story of how you’re right and they’re wrong. The minute we look at ourselves, we’ve disconnected from judging. The moment we’re aware of how alike we are in ways we’ve never let ourselves see, our judgment transforms into compassion. From compassion, we can forgive ourselves and them. Congratulations! We’ve just lightened up. Please write to Dr. Sandy Islands at sandyislands@hawaii.rr.com