By Dr. Sandy Islands for Conch Color
Our value system is made up of beliefs and standards usually learned in our childhoods. If we grew up in a dysfunctional family, our values may be skewed and in the process of just looking at ourselves, we may realize that they aren’t serving our highest good. If shame and guilt were used to punish and control, we could have ended up feeling ashamed about everything we do. We’re left with gaping holes in our development and wonder how we can fill ourselves with values that we’ve never seen modeled. Fear tells us that everything we do will be wrong. Guilt says everything we did was wrong and Shame, the worst of all, says that who we are is wrong. We can reframe this thinking by practicing faith which projects the best-case scenarios into the future. Forgiveness allows us to look honestly at our past, recognize our mistakes and move on. Values of self respect and self esteem allow us to eliminate shame and love ourselves. We’ll stop sabotaging ourselves when we look within for our peace and serenity rather than expect it to come from outside sources. All disappointment stems from our expectations.
Looking at ourselves and the values we grew up with allows us to take responsibility, a.k.a. ―“the ability to respond,” and develop self respect. As we change, we attract new and healthier people into our lives who help the process unfold. It’s as though we have an invisible magnet extended out below our waists. We send out a frequency of our self esteem and attract people that match it. We begin to think, feel and act out of new values and attract higher frequency people who share our new values. We recognize our needs and who can fulfill them. We set boundaries and stop going back to people who continue to contribute to low self-esteem, which may include our family of origin. We stop accepting - unacceptable treatment. When we allow our boundaries to be repeatedly violated, we become volunteers, not victims. Boundaries become the civilizing ingredient in our social interaction. We come to understand what’s our business, what’s your business and what’s God’s business.
The process blossoms ― the more we respect ourselves, the more respect we have to show others. Honing our communication skills becomes as important as any craft we set out to learn. We recognize who we can trust and who we can be ourselves with. Trustworthy people affirm our values. They don’t try to control or manipulate us into their way of thinking. Back in the 1970’s, we were introduced to assertiveness trainings. The book “I’m Okay, You’re Okay” became a best seller. Simply, it said that dominant people operate from “I’m okay and you’re not.” Passive people come from “You’re okay and I’m not.” Assertiveness finds the balance with “I’m okay and you’re okay.” We can accept each other no matter how different our values are. It’s not a coincidence that this column is written from the “we” perspective. We are One Human Family.
Albert Einstein said, “Try not to become a man of success. Rather become a man of value.” Success is less about manipulating and more about excellence in all that we do. Any activity in life can be lifted to the level of a blessing. When we see life through the eyes of gratitude, we won’t be resentful. If we are true to ourselves, we’ll always be true to our values. Let’s honor our values by practicing grace, dignity and respect for ourselves and others. Please write to Dr. Sandy Islands at sandyislands@hawaii.rr.com